I &hearts Texas

Today I drove from El Paso to Austin. That's only a minor portion of the state, and it took me upwards of eight hours. It was like driving through one big joke book, or like living out all of the funny quotes I've ever heard. The following are some of my observations on thangs.

1. It has become vividly apparent to me that there are no ass-gaskets (toilet seat covers) west of California. They cease to exist long before the great Continental Divide. None to be found even at rest-stops. The reasoning behind this is unclear, because if the rest of the drivers out there are like me, after sitting behind that wheel (especially in the southern sun) for hours at a time, Swamp Butt happens. It just does. So this makes the lack of ass-gaskets particularly unsettling. I should note that this same phenomenon occurred in both Arizona and New Mexico as well, I can't blame it all on Texas. But here I am and bitchin. If I were to move here, that would be the first thing on my list to change.

2. Towns in the southwest, and in Texas in particular, have HILARIOUS names. I passed "Comfort", "Welfare", "Schmittyville", "Old Bastrop", and "Truth or Consequence", just for starters. I really am dying to know what went on in Truth or Consequence for it to acquire said title. Imagine this game. "What'll it be, pardner? Truth? Or consequence?!"

3. I thought "Don't Mess with Texas" was just a saying. But no, the state signage warns against such actions all along the interstate system. There are two warning signs to be had along I-10. One is a happy yellow triangle that says, DRIVE FRIENDLY. Ok, I'll give it a shot. The others are blue triangle signs that say, DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS! $1000 FINE FOR LITTERING! Or some simply say, DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS! WWW.TEXAS.GOV. Whoa, alrighty then. I shan't be messin' with Texas anytime soon, lest I face the consequences....

4. Other signs in Texas are equally as hilarious. For example, I passed a "Share the Road" sign with a minuscule pictogram of what I thought was a bicycle (like in California). Upon further inspection, the "bike" was a rather well-done chopper-style Harley motorcycle. What poor bikers union has mustered up the anger to raise awareness for their right to share Texas roads?! These signs, combined with the DRIVE FRIENDLY instructions, made me wonder what the hell is really going on when Texans are behind the wheel.

5. All along the Texas highway there are trailers with makeshift porches and swingsets, sitting literally maybe fifty feet from the interstate like God chose that spot as the Airstream's resting place ("She lay where Jesus flang her"). There are also feedlots, broken-down-and-junked car lots, vigilante lookout lofts, and signs that advertise Jesus as the REAL SOLUTION, as well as reminders that EMBRYOS ARE LITTLE BABIES!!. I was midway through a giggly conniption when I stumbled across these gems:



Cause this happens often?



Notice that the dog sign is behind the chain-linked fence. Jest throw yer dog on over, Mary, he'll have himseeeelf a bawl!

And we can't forget fireworks! Lordy, are there fireworks. Every truckstop and gas station sells 'em like they's hotcakes. For my folks in California, watch out, Thanksgivin's gonna be fun! Gimme one'a them turkeys, boys, we's gonna light this bitch up! Yeeeee hawwww!



Texas is also full of really classy people. And no helmet laws.



I'd let him take my picture. Wait....

In defense of Texas, the place is beautiful. Rolling hills, mountains, greenery, trees, blue skies and white clouds. It was actually a rather enjoyable journey. The weather is hot like Arizona, but humid and breezy. I made it to Austin this evening and ventured out to the infamous 6th Street area, the live music capital of the world, and was genuinely amazed at the variety of things to do and bars to frequent (in one block I saw a Death Metal Pizza Parlor, a Rum Bar, a Martini Bar, a blues club, a neon bar, Coyote Ugly, Jay Z doing a show, Nico Vega performing, a wine bar, a Tears of Joy hotsauce shop, and three local microbreweries). I could do some damage in this town. Tomorrow I have given myself the day off to tour the University of Texas campus and explore Austin more thoroughly to see if I actually like the place. Today Texas gave me full belly-laughs and good times.... can I stand it for a decade?